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Archive for January, 2010

I tend to worry about most things in life. In fact, I perseverate on some of the most miniscule details of my day. I am afraid that what I say and do is not good enough. I find myself biting my tongue, or bottling things up to keep the real me hidden. If I can’t be myself, who can I be?

John F. Kennedy once said,

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.

It really got me thinking about the reasons I quit editing Out of Slumber. I think that I am so afraid of every little detail not being perfect, of one person finding it flawed, that I forced the characters out of my mind. Only a writer would understand that I am not crazy in this statement, but last night, Keely had enough. She forced her way back in, and demanded that I finish what I started. She wants her story to be complete.

It takes a lot for me to show others what I write. Today I compare it to the feeling one may have before confessing their sins to a priest in the Catholic sacrament of Reconciliation. It is a bearing of the soul.

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Overeater Anonymous

Chapter 1

I have finally accepted the truth; my husband is having an affair. I feel very cliché in saying that I never thought it could happen to me. I truly believe that at one point in time, Brad worshiped the ground I walked on. I can still remember our first kiss. We were just kids back then. It was at a party our freshman year of high school. He asked me to teach him how to kiss so that he could impress his new girlfriend. Of course the 100 pound lighter, confident fifteen year old version of me took him up on the offer, but from the moment our lips touched, he seemed to forget all about Kristy…. Kelly, whatever the hell her name was. She is irrelevant at this point in time…I think.

From that naive moment on, I never could picture myself with anyone but him, or Brad with anyone but me. We argued and fought, broke up and made up more times than I can remember. That I can’t live without you passion we shared in our youth is now nonexistent. The only time he shows me any affection at all is if our friends or extended family are around. He may put his arm around me, kiss me even. But in the confines of our own home, even the bedroom we share, there is no sign that he remembers I am a woman, his wife for Christ’s sake.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when he stopped kissing me goodbye in the morning, or calling me during the day just to say, ‘hi’ or check in. My best guess is about the time he realized that our youngest daughter, Ella was two years old and I still had not lost even a pound of the fifty I gained while pregnant with her. I had tried, sort of. But having a second child turned our lives upside down. I didn’t always have time to cook healthy meals, and with Brad working late more nights than not, it was just easier to swing through a drive-thru after picking the girls up at daycare, than cooking a meal for myself and two small children. I can’t forget to mention the fact that chocolate never tasted as good as it had since Brad stopped paying me any attention.

Eight years post the big I- do, and two beautiful daughters later, I find myself coming to terms with my dissolving marriage. The ball is in my court now; it is my move. What I choose to do with this information could make or break our family. For tonight at least, I choose to ignore reality and focus on the one night a week when I can escape from my role as “mommy”, the woman who washes and irons Brad’s clothes, cooks his dinner, and goes to bed each night alone while he is up playing with the other woman until wee hours of the morning. Yes, it goes on underneath my own roof, two floors below me in the basement he has transformed into his man cave. My thirty-five year old husband would rather play with his video games than come within an inch of my naked flesh.

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It’s Happening!

Yup, it’s true! My brain has given birth to new characters. Well, the idea has been stewing for some time, and I came up with the title before the names for my characters. In fact, I am still not sure what the MC’s name is going to be. But, the words no longer swimming through my brain. They are actually spewing forth in paragraph form. Hallelujah!

(sorry Ember and Nina, it’s not Purgatory : ( though that is still in the works as well.)

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2010 is here. A new year and a new decade which may inspire some to actually commit to their resolution the whole year through.

I am not going to promise to give up soda, fast food, or trashy reality shows. I know my limits! Instead, I promise (to myself) that I will try to write at least fifty words a day. Whether it be a blog, or a tiny bit of one of my WIPs. I know what I accomplished in one year with Out of Slumber, and I still don’t believe that I, yes me, wrote an entire book in one year. I have kind of let the editing process go to the wayside, but I think that I am ok with that. Besides, the psychic said I wouldn’t have a book deal for two years. (ha ha)

I can feel the creative spark igniting, the characters in my head are sifting through the cobwebs in my brain and forcing their way to the computer screen in front of me. It’s going to be a great year!

(and I am going to try to go to church more often. anxiety or no anxiety, if i can write a book, i can go to church)

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