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Archive for February, 2012

I’m sending this song out to those who celebrate Valentine’s Day and find feel an ache in their chest at the thought of spending the day alone. A shout out must also go out to those who have a significant other who doesn’t acknowledge that you need to be shown some kind of love or affection on a commercialized holiday such as today. Lets face it, when a girl says she doesn’t want anything it usually means she wants you to send her flowers or give her some kind of mushy card. I prefer reeses peanut butter cups, take out (Thai preferred) and a card that makes me laugh. Of course I want flowers and a big romantic gesture like being serenaded perhaps (hint hint), but I want that to be spontaneous, and not on a day that society says you must buy flowers for the special woman in your life. I want to feel adored and loved every day!

I agree that the message in this song is valid. You should smile despite the sorrow and heartache in your life. However, when the smile becomes void of any feeling can it really be called a smile?

I think that too many of us paint on the same fake smile day after day to fool the rest of the world. We don’t want people to know that our lives aren’t perfect, that their perceptions about us are wrong. If we have noticeable vulnerabilities it forces others to reflect upon imperfections in their own lives.  I hope that when you get to the point where you are smiling to fool yourself and the rest of the world, and not really feeling, you have a support system to rely on so you may get back to some semblance of a happy place.

I am here to offer some pseudo therapizing, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, and a listening ear to you!

I hope this makes sense. It made sense to me at 4:30am.

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She has a name…

…and an emerging personality to match.

The main character in Free Fall is Charlotte Evelyn, Charlie for short. I have a last name, but I’m not sold on it yet, so it could change at any time. As always, suggestions are welcome and greatly appreciated.

Charlotte = “free man”

Evelyn = “bird”

Sneak Peak into the life of Charlie:

Charlie is living a lie.  She gets out of bed each morning and paints the same phony smile on her face day after day. She goes through the motions of the day without really feeling,  no one noticing that she is slowly suffocating in her own skin. She is numb, almost dead inside.

An unexpected glimmer of hope shines through Charlie’s blackened soul and leaches on to the only clean part left. She begins to feel alive again, and becomes addicted to the feeling of being free, of living her life. Charlie must  make a choice; a messy life of loving, breathing, feeling or digging the phony smile back out and pasting it back on for good. What choice would you make? Is there a way for Charlie to find a happy medium between the past and present?

Maybe one day Charlie’s story will finish painting itself, and you will find her ending in a book on a shelf in some bookstore or library.

Maybe.

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I’ve  created a bucket list of sorts- things I would like to accomplish over the next decade. This list may seem pretty uneventful, but I’ve already experienced the two most amazing things of my life- Zoe and Piper. UPDATE- As always, I am a work in progress. I’ve accomplished a few things and found more to add to the list.

1. Take a trip with my girlfriends and not feel guilty about leaving my kids behind (early thirties would be great)

2. Run a 5k- not the way I run now with the whole start stop deal

3. Keep writing…even if the writing isn’t all that good

4. Find the balls to attempt to publish a book- anyone have a pair I can borrow?

5. Write poetry again…this may happen before thirty…I can feel the words bubbling beneath the surface

6. Find a church that feels like home (I’ve given up on this)

7. Learn how to forgive again- I used to be pretty forgiving, but some wounds are cut pretty deep

8. Take an art class

9. Go to a concert

10. Have more patience

11. Read a minimum of 100 books…keep a list to share with my daughters

12. Overcome my fear of water…or at least tempt fate and swim in the ocean a time or two

13. Minimize the whole guilt complex

14. Learn how to accept a compliment (probably not going to happen)

15.  Believe in myself, and pray for those who don’t have faith in me

16. Reconnect with old friends….quit retreating into my own little world when life hurts

17.  Minimize  my habit of procrastination

18. Inspire change ( I feel like this is happening in minute ways every time I step foot in the door of my current job)

19. Donate blood more often

20. Pay off my student loans (only 2 more years to go!)

21. Start writing down recipes so I have something to pass down to my children (thank Goodness for Pinterest)

22. Do something completely uncharacteristic of myself

23. Smile more  (according to my children I have new wrinkles from smiling)

24. Take more pictures with my children instead of just taking pictures of my children…one day they will need something to remember me by ( I’m getting there)

25. Not let how others make me feel impact me negatively

26. Learn how to cry again

27. Go rock climbing

28. Push past the fear of rejection and just go for it

29. Curse a little less…let’s be realistic, I won’t stop completely

30. Decide what I want to be when I grow up

31. Ride on a motorcycle (this has been spoken of many times, just a little slow to officially add to the list)

32. Be the best me I can be

33. Visit a gun range ( I don’t really care to do so any longer)

34. Sky dive (haven’t quite felt brave enough lately)

35. Visit Rocky Ridge Refuge

36. Sing for pleasure again despite stage fright

37. Learn to drive over bridges without having a panic attack

38. Become a better mother

39. Accept that I like food, I like to cook, my summer dresses may not always fit, and be happy despite the extra fluff.

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Enthusiasm

I did something very unusual…I shared the very first paragraph of what I am writing with a friend and I wasn’t afraid!

Sometimes the fear of rejection stops me before I even start. Everyone has issues, and I am usually more than willing to point mine out. It just so happens that I perseverate on all the what ifs in life to the point of a stress induced chocolate binge. It feels good to have a little confidence once in a while. It also helps to have friends who will tell you the truth even when it hurts. This time around the results made me feel darn good.

 

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Working Title

There was a time in my life when I was afraid of titles. In fact, I used to write poem after poem with just a date separating them from one another in the pages of my journals.  Titles have to grab your attention in a few short words, excite the reader and stick out in their mind as something they just have to get their hands on. It also has to make sense in regards to your content.If you have a forgettable title, your potential readers will go to the library/bookstore and choose something they can remember over your inferior title.

The working title for my current work in progress is Free Fall. I must admit that I’m feeling pretty strongly about it.  Now if only I felt as good about the name of my leading lady. I’ve received some excellent suggestions on male names, and I hope to have some sneak peaks by the end of next week. In the meantime, I’m curious as to what people think the story behind the title Free Fall  is.

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Saying Goodbye…

…to my twenties!!!!

I wasn’t the least bit freaked out about the whole being thirty deal until someone  reminded me that I was getting old. Feel free to blame yourself if you are reading this…and remember that you will always be older than me!

I still have about four weeks until said goodbye occurs. I would like to think that I’ve accomplished quite a bit in my twenties. I got a head start on the whole parenting thing by starting about five years younger than I would have liked to. Even if given the chance to turn back time and have a do over I would say no a thousand times.  I have two of the most amazing daughters in existence. They inspire me to be a better person. They make a bad day turn around with one little hug.

So besides the whole married with kids/homeowner/minivan driver thing…… well that’s where it gets tricky.

Almost the entirety of my twenties (give or take 2 weeks)  I’ve either been pregnant or parenting. At a time when most young adults are discovering themselves and shaping who they are going to be, I was learning how to be a mother and a wife.   Now that my children are a little older, I’m having a hard time identifying with who I am, not Amy the mother, not even Amy the Social Worker,  but Amy the woman.

I suppose I am looking forward to what my thirties will bring…maybe I will finally decide what I want to be when I grow up. Maybe I will find myself after all.

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